Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I want to fling myself into the sun
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
