I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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