This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
