Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
