just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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