I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
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