I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
