It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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