my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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