I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
