Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
