Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
