I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
