you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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