did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
