I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
