If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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