i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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