why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
