Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
