thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
