dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
