The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
