Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
