he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
