i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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