i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
