I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
