Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dicks are not precious.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize