Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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