so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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