White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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