literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
ttyl tear gas
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
