She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
