he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
