Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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