Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
