all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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