the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
