there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
