if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
