its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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