He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My penis needs a shock collar
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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