He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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