Whod you bang
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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