if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
