Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you had me at cake vodka
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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