i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
