At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
