Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
