OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
