I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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