His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
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if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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