I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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