Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
