my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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