There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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