Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
